|
| I realized today that even though I feel done with some things, they aren't done with me. It's okay.
I also realized that I need my life to have meaning. At first I thought this was a bad thing, that I used to be blissfully ignorant and content - but then I started seeing it differently. I think it's a good thing that I'm such an intense person, that it seems like everything in the world is interconnected. This is short because I don't want anyone to read it. | | |
| I am exhausted.
No seriously. I've never been this worn down before. | | |
| I have added color back into my life again. I love spring!
Also, I have decided to not be cynical. And I like it. Also, I realized that life is not about me and it makes me really happy. Because when life was centered around me, it sucked. | | |
| Dang. That thing is long.
If you choose to read it, you may have a better understanding of why, in conversations, I am often silent and listening. because something like the thing below is going on inside of my head and I don't know how to express it or if it would be engaging or interesting.
But it does explain a lot of who I am and where I am. | | |
| I think I prefer blogspot.com's layout for writing entries. Or maybe it's just that xanga makes me think of my angsty teen years. Which in retrospect really weren't very angsty. And not nearly as cynical as my recent years or year.
Today I was showering for the first time in ...doing the math... fifty-six hours and I had this thought. I was listening to John Mayer sing about belief and how belief is a beautiful armor that can put thousands of children in the sand and then I started to think about a conversation Carl and Steph and I had yesterday when we were at the juried art show talking about Christianity and being cynical. And Carl said that one of the things he has a hard time with about Christianity is that it makes absolutely no sense. And he's right. It's not rational at all. And as I thought about it, I was like, yes Carl I agree. It's not rational at all. Which is maybe a reason I like it - because I don't like the idea of the world being entirely explainable because it's not and if it were it seems that it would suck the meaning and mystery out of everything.
And then Carl said true but then how do we know? Because people do terrible things claiming religion as justification and saying it doesn't make sense to "this world." And he's right again. And I think about things that have happened in the past like slavery and the Holocaust and things present like abortion clinics and homosexuals and the evangelical penchant to convert people to be like them. And I think about one of my friends and how, if she didn't claim she was doing things because Jesus told her to, I would diagnose her with a psychological disorder (which I technically couldn't do). She's fasting and praying for someone - Think about how crazy that looks. She's not eating, skipping class sometimes, and has a fully one-sided, borderline obsessive relationship. At least, that's how it appears.
So yes, Carl, I agree with you - and I don't know the answer. And it bothers me a little.
And I don't want a canned boxed answer because that will just make me mad.
Where was I going with this?
So then I was thinking about how women all get on the same cycle (you know what I mean) when they live together. And I was thinking about how there is often an alpha female (learned that yesterday) and all the women set to her cycle. And sometimes there's a girl whose body ends up having her period whenever anyone else gets theirs. That would suck. And then I thought about me, whose hormones must be so overwhelmed by all the options that they just shut down. (Random thought: I should take one of the eggs that I haven't released lately and get it fertilized so that it's a stem cell then inject it into my feet. Genius. and controversial. Deal with it - I am.)
Then I was thinking about how some people are "linguistic innovators" and introduce lots of new expressions your everyday words. Ralph is one of mine: professh, nattie, jyes. And Steph: bullet pointed conversations, yes please, peace out.
And I thought about how when I hang around people, I become more interested in the things they are: while dating Anthony, I was constantly on the lookout for anything about music. When I was friends with Liz, I payed a lot more attention to computer nerd culture. When I see how passionate IJM people are, I want to do something about social justice.
All this to say, I feel like I have very little of my own. I'm a passion sponge - I absorb what matters to those around me and then run with it. Then when I get tired and alone I wonder what the point of life is.
What do I do with that?
That's why I'm so flaky - because when I'm with psychology majors, going to that psych convention really does sound like fun. Then when I'm alone, I can't help but wonder why I thought that. And when I'm around people who love dessert, I think I NEED that double fudge cake with ice cream AND peanut butter thank you very much. Then when I'm alone I wonder why I ate that and my tummy hurts. I don't mean to be flaky - I just really don't know who I am right now.
I want to find my identity in Christ - whatever that means. Because being a passion sponge is okay, but then I feel sad when I miss out on what really matters to me. And sponges are full of bacteria and hair and grossness and I would never use one to wash dishes.
I don't really know what matters to me. I don't know why I like high end perfume and the idea of living simply. I know I don't want to take advantage of others. I want to be fair trade. That matters to me no matter where I am. So does recycling. And I love exercising because I love being fit. I don't feel in very good shape right now and I don't like that. I like hanging out and just being myself, but sometimes I feel like with my friends we have kind of become this mushedtogetherpersonality that doesn't really know where it's going - like a blindfolded three-legged race.
I think I like the idea of living simply and in harmony with people and nature; which , in itself, is living in harmony with God. And I want to move to Europe because I love that despite feeling like it's not good enough or it's a waste of my life or selfish because it's not a developing country.
So anyway, I thought of all these things at once in the shower. Holy metacognition. And I thought - what if I'm wrong? What if I have life completely and totally wrong? And then I realized that if I could imagine the world without every single structure I use to perceive it shut down....well, it would be impossible and if I could I would be God, and I would probably slump over dead in the shower if every single thing that meant something suddenly meant nothing.
So maybe what I need to do is to spend time with God (whatever that means) every day and relearn what matters to me and then do it. And maybe then I will become a normally functioning female again and not feel so empty sometimes and keep working through this thing called life and God will finally find me.
Amen. | | |
|
